Doing good. I am not going to weigh until the first of the week, but I am still working this diet. I need to go buy groceries. Maybe I will find the time to do that today. I really want to get about 60 pounds off this coming year. We shall see.

Hi Everyone. I never imgined a year would go by without an update on this blog. It's been a busy year, wherein I have built my own company and paid little attention to my weight, I am going to change that now. I am not waiting until January. It is interesting how my January 2012 weight is sitting right there in the post below this..so handy to see. Yeah, not that I needed to see it, or that I have forgotten. I weighed this morning and I am 243. I have been as low as 232 at one point this year. But hey, I have another coouple weeks before I have to weigh in for the new year and calculate my weight loss or gain for 2012. I have time to lose a few more pounds and make that deficit even greater for this year. I am challenging myself to lose 5 pounds this month.

January First

Weigh in: 252. Next January I would like to see that at 190. Now, how to do that. I still don't know. I will just count calories. Last January I weighed 235. That's a gain of 12 pounds this year. It would have been really easy to lose 12 pounds, but no, I gained 12!

Week 1

On December 13 I weighed 253 pounds. Today I weigh 248. That is a loss of 5 pounds in 10 days. From this time on my weigh in day will be on Friday. I dont have a weight for last Friday cause I was out of town. So I have lost the first five pounds. I'll take that. Instead of looking at the 90 pounds I want to lose I will celebrate every pound. I gained 1 pound at a time. I will lose 1 pound at a time.

Ominous Doctor Visit

I finally broke down and called the doctor yesterday. They scheduled me for an appointment today. I went. I did not like what I heard. I told them that I am sick of not being able to move. My legs feel like weights and are swollen all the time. My rib is out of place from sitting on bleachers all day for 2 solid days and then riding for three hours on an old school bus.

After noting the excessive swelling in my legs and listening to me, the doctor ordered lab work to rule out a bunch of stuff. Other than that she said the same thing I heard last summer from another doctor: The swelling is from my heart getting old!

What do they mean by that? Am I in heart failure? Why do they word it that way? Is this just the accepted mobility for 51 years old. I think not! I move like my 87 year old mother in law! I can barely lift my legs. I cant walk down the bleachers at my daughters games and must always sit on the bottom bleacher. This is not normal. Something is wrong!

I have to take action. The first thing I did was called my cardiologist from 1996 to see if they still have my old records. They did. They are sending me the records so I can take them to a local cardiologist since the one I went to back then has retired. I am going to have another ultrasound of my heart. I am going to make sure I walk around the block every day until I can do a workout like a normal person. Right now I can only walk half a mile before my feet just kill me!

Yesterday my feet hurt so bad from Christmas shopping that I actually had to sit down in the mall and rest. I havent had to do that since the days I was pregnant! My feet and legs are swollen awful.

The doctor also wanted me to get some support stockings. So I did. The next thing she wanted was for me to lose the weight. So I will! I have to! I cannot live like this. The highest weight I have ever seen in my entire 51 years on the planet was 256 pounds and that was ten years ago, the morning I delivered my 11 pound son! This morning I weighed 249 pounds! Need I say more?

Blurred edges

I dont like the edges of my food plan blurred. I just dont. I want a clean and precise day of eating. This weekend has been blurred. I ate a piece of pie last night when I went out with some friends. I had the calories left for it, but I don't want to spend my calories on pie. One of my goals is to get rid of the sugar in my diet and that wont happen if I keep delving into the carbs and sugar to that extent. I need to treat my sugar problem like the allergy that it is. I am highly allergic to sugar. It makes me tired and cranky. It also feeds my candida and that I do not need!

I am so tired of being fat, I dont know why I cant just stay on plan. On the other hand, I am not totally unhappy with my weekend. I turned down a lot of things I would have ordinarily eaten. I stayed quite close to my calorie limit with only a few blurred edges. Its hard when I eat food without a direct calorie count. I like to know exactly what I am eating, but I guess that is the OCD part of me. I need to learn that just because I dont have an exact calorie count, it does not mean that I have gone off my food plan. I can give it an educated guess and go on!

Today I want to focus on eating correctly and drinking my water.

Back and time to weigh

Im back from a two day Tournament out of town. I weighed this morning, a bit unsure of what the scale would say. I was really good the first day and stayed within my caloirelimit. The second day I got a bit off track but I was still pleased with how I had done. I always gain water weight on trips along with eating wrong, as a result its nothing for me to comehome from a two day tournament like that and gain 5 pounds. I was a little worried when I stepped on the scales this morning, but I was happy to see that I had only gained 10 ozs. I weighed 249.2. Today I will get right back on track with my cal pal. I forgot to take it with me on the trip. I was bummed about that. So now its on to a new day.

At some point I am going to have to quit weighing and just weigh weekly. I have decided to make Friday mornings my weigh in times. I guess that would mean that today would be as good as any to quit reporting the daily weigh ins. Okay, so that's what I will do. A week from today I will report my weight loss. I can do this. I'm only asking for two pounds a week. That would mean I would lose 100 pounds this next year. it doesnt seem like such a great request, but its oh so hard to do.

The post you almost didnt see

I started this post on the 12th, I didnt want to publish that I was starting to count calories but it all seemed so pointless. But now I realize that I need the support of the blog world. So here are my thoughts from the last several days.

It's December 12 and I am going to count calories to lose this weight. I am allowing myself 1500 calories a day. This is going to be hard but I have to do this. I am scared that my weight will kill me long before my time. It is also very embarrassing to get up off the floor or out of a ran down couch. I can barely pull myself up anymore. I hate that I have regained the 50 pounds I have lost. The scale said 252.2 this morning. That's right where I was in 2008 when I started losing. By the fall of 2010 I had seen 202 on the scale. From then on I just climbed right back up. I was only 3 pounds from onederland. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I get scared like that? I'm not going to publish this entry. It's going into draft. After I lose some weight I will publish this. Even the idea of letting everyone else see yet another weight loss attempt, just sickens me. I hate being fat. I see all these huge people at walmart and I never want to get that huge. I will if I don't stop this right now. I must make good choices. I have to do this. I have to lose this weight. There is just no way around it. The time is now!

December 13 Well I weighed 253.2 today. That is up a pound in spite of the fact that I tracked every calorie. I think its because I actually drank several glasses of water. I ordered a cal pal from Amazon. You put your calories in and it keeps track of them every day. I love it. it works like a charm. Now I don't have to make sure I have my paper there all the time to write on. Today I have 170 calories left over. Hopefully the water weight will be gone by morning.

December 14 Success at last. The scales budged. It showed 250.8 this morning. I need to quit weighing every day but for now that is my motivation. later the pounds off and the way I feel will become my motivation, but for now its all about the scale. I can barely put one foot in front of the other in this diet saga so I need the feedback from the scales. I had several pieces of See's candy last night. I  hate when that happens. I want my weight loss to be coupled with no sugar. Sugar is my enemy. I was thinking this morning about publishing this post today, but I'm still too vulnerable. I don't want you all to think, "here she goes again with another false start." I want to have some weight lost so I don't sound like I'm off my rocker here. Its gets so tiring to read of one weight  loss attempt after another of bloggers who are just messing around. These private entries are my way of sparing you the pain. if I actually lose this time these will get posted, otherwise they will stay in draft forever. I'm going to try and have a wonderful on plan day today.

December 15 Weighed 248.8 this morning. So happy. I'm worried though because I'm going to an out of town tournament with my daughter today. I wont get back until tomorrow. I need to be sure and eat right at the tournament. its so hard to make healthy choices away from home.

I thought that I would be writing this for at least a month before I made it public, but for some reason tonight I am feeling like publishing it. Maybe I will. It might help me keep on plan at the tournament.

Counting

Trying to hang on by counting calories. For now that's all I can do. I am actually tracking them now instead of just figuring them in my head so I'm hopful this will work. I never could get any sort of success if I didnt write things down.

Yes Im here

Im still here, fatter than ever. I have now reached my heaviest weight without being pregnant. This is the same weight I was before losing the 50 pounds in 2008. sigh. I have no idea why anyone even clicks on this blog anymnore. I suppose it's to watch the trainwreck. I'm not giving up. really I'm not.

Control is hard

I did it. I stayed within my calories. I wish though that I would have had a "cleaner" eating day.  I wasn't going to weigh until the end of the week, but I found myself on the scale. I lost 2 pounds yesterday. I'll take it. Today I hope for a less complicated eating pattern.

A Turn Around

Okay, I haven't been sitting idle on the diet front the last several weeks. I know this blog really looks like it, but I haven't. I have been researching and reading. I have finally come to a conclusion on this. There is no way to lose the weight but to diet and exercise. That is profound. Yeah, I know that everyone knows that, but what makes it profound is when one internalizes the idea and the concept. For months now I have been reading and talking to people who have lost weight from all manner of methods. I even tried a few of my phentermine pills again.

In all my reading and all my research and all my soul search and the random blog posts on here, I have formed a very definitive approach for my weight loss. I recall back in 2008 when I lost 50 pounds, that many times I thought to myself, "why did I waste the last ten years looking for the perfect diet when in reality all I needed to do was to count calories." Yes, that's how I lost that 50 pounds. I can't tell you how that thought has been going over and over in my head the last while. Why would I return to trying out all the different diets when I found what worked for me?

Well people, I'm going back to counting calories and exercising. I'm going to go low carb just because I have to for blood sugar purposes. I am going to use this blog to stay accountable. I am going to eat 1500 calories a day because I want something doable. Every day I am going to exercise. I'm not putting a limit n that. I don't know how far I can walk or what my limitations are really in that area. I'm just going to go out and walk.

I will not be posting every tiny food morsel here but I will be posting my calorie intake daily. I want to also post my exercise and water. I hate water but I know how much it helps. I have experienced it. So here I go. I am going to do this! I haven't set weight loss goals as far as pounds off type goals since back in my 30's when I was a lovely size 10. I like being size 10. I have no grandiose ideas of ever being a size 2. I wasn't a size 2 at birth so why should I try to do that now? But one thing I am going to do now is post a goal of pounds off. My goal is to be 15 pounds lighter by January 1, 2012. Now that might not sound like a lot to all of you but there are several factors involved here. Let me list them: I am 51 years old. I am postmenopausal. The holidays are here.

For me to lose 15 pounds will be a miracle. But I am going to do it. I want this miracle. This morning I am 251 pounds! In 2008 when I started I was 252. I have gained back 49 of the 50 pounds I lost. My goal isn't to be 110 pounds. My goal is to lose 82 pounds to weigh 170. I will readjust that later probably but for now that is where it stands. My determination is huge! I can tell just how determined I am by the very fact that I posted my weight on here. I'm also excited about posting definite goals!!!

I'm ready to take on the day!!

Lost 5 pounds last week, gained 3 pounds this week

Okay so which is the best for keeping hunger at bay; fiber or protein as in ketosis like Atkins. I feel like I could do this if I could just not be hungry all the time. My insulin rises at every bit of food I out in and drops swiftly leaving me in a hypoglocemic state most of the time. I hate this. Once I give in to the sugar I can't get out of it's iron grip. How do I break out of the sugar coma when insulin is yelling for it? I read somewhere about a tea that helped stabilize insulin and blood sugar. Now I cant remember it.
Between the candida calling out for sugar and the insulin surging through my body callign for even more sugar I feel like there is no hope. The answer lies in stablizing my blood sugar and getting rid of the candida. I need answers. How do I do that?

Giving up

I cannot even tell you how frustrated I am! I am not losing weight and now Im so upset that I would have to say I am angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I cannot lose this weight. Today I stood in McDonalds, having gone in there to get a movie out of Red Box, and I thought about my long day. I wanted a mint mocha so badly.. and yet I didn't want it. I stood in line to get it and then left, without a movie or the mocha. Nothing is working. I can't get on a plan and stay on it. I'm only 9 pounds from my heaviest weight ever. Do I care? I must not. If I did I would diet. I just can't find the energy to worry about diet right now. My business is taking every ounce of energy out of me. I am busy from morning till night. I hate myself in the morning when I get dressed. I hate myself in the afternoon when I am tired. I hate myself in the evening when I go to bed. I am fat. Just plain fat and I have no idea how to find the time to deal with it. I want to just stand on the rooftop and scream. I hate myself at this weight. I have no idea how to change anything. Every extra bit of energy and thought I have, is used up on every day life. I can't bring myself to count every bite again. I just don't have it in me. Is this the end? I don't know.