Confession

I'm thinking maybe I should concentrate on this blog more and take care of things over here a little better. My main blog is at Dishpan Dribble and I blog almost daily over there. But this blog only sees me about twice a week.

I think theres a part of me that wants to remain a little distant from this whole dieting thing; like Im afraid if I get too immersed in dieting that it will become an obsession and my old eating disorders will return. I haven't fought my old demons for years now but then I didn't have to fight my disorder because I was comfortable medicated with food.

There is a quirk in my personality, or a malfunction in my brain, that tells me to do dumb things when I really diet intensely. No, I've never been anorexic. My eating demons come in the form of bulimia. I was bulimic throughout my teen age years and all the way through my twenty's. Now when I diet I fear that disorder if I get too immersed in the process. I still feel it through all these years. Every time I diet the thought is in my head. This time I have only thought about it twice in this entire year and then it wasn't a serious thougth where I had to fight to keep it from happening.

I can see back in old food journals that I would eat five grapes that day and one soda cracker. What my journal doesn't say is that I would throw up those five grapes and soda cracker in case they made me gain weight. This would go on for days until I would get so hungry that for the next 7-10 days I would eat till I was sick and then throw it up. It was nothing for me to purge 10 to 12 times a day.

Its been 25 years now since that time and I still find it in the dark recesses of my brain. But on the other hand I do think I'm healthy enough to get a little more involved on the weight loss front and start using this blog to encourage people more by sharing my daily weight management struggles and victories.

We'll see how this all pans out and what direction this blog takes.