Thursday, December 15, 2011

The post you almost didnt see

I started this post on the 12th, I didnt want to publish that I was starting to count calories but it all seemed so pointless. But now I realize that I need the support of the blog world. So here are my thoughts from the last several days.

It's December 12 and I am going to count calories to lose this weight. I am allowing myself 1500 calories a day. This is going to be hard but I have to do this. I am scared that my weight will kill me long before my time. It is also very embarrassing to get up off the floor or out of a ran down couch. I can barely pull myself up anymore. I hate that I have regained the 50 pounds I have lost. The scale said 252.2 this morning. That's right where I was in 2008 when I started losing. By the fall of 2010 I had seen 202 on the scale. From then on I just climbed right back up. I was only 3 pounds from onederland. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I get scared like that? I'm not going to publish this entry. It's going into draft. After I lose some weight I will publish this. Even the idea of letting everyone else see yet another weight loss attempt, just sickens me. I hate being fat. I see all these huge people at walmart and I never want to get that huge. I will if I don't stop this right now. I must make good choices. I have to do this. I have to lose this weight. There is just no way around it. The time is now!

December 13 Well I weighed 253.2 today. That is up a pound in spite of the fact that I tracked every calorie. I think its because I actually drank several glasses of water. I ordered a cal pal from Amazon. You put your calories in and it keeps track of them every day. I love it. it works like a charm. Now I don't have to make sure I have my paper there all the time to write on. Today I have 170 calories left over. Hopefully the water weight will be gone by morning.

December 14 Success at last. The scales budged. It showed 250.8 this morning. I need to quit weighing every day but for now that is my motivation. later the pounds off and the way I feel will become my motivation, but for now its all about the scale. I can barely put one foot in front of the other in this diet saga so I need the feedback from the scales. I had several pieces of See's candy last night. I  hate when that happens. I want my weight loss to be coupled with no sugar. Sugar is my enemy. I was thinking this morning about publishing this post today, but I'm still too vulnerable. I don't want you all to think, "here she goes again with another false start." I want to have some weight lost so I don't sound like I'm off my rocker here. Its gets so tiring to read of one weight  loss attempt after another of bloggers who are just messing around. These private entries are my way of sparing you the pain. if I actually lose this time these will get posted, otherwise they will stay in draft forever. I'm going to try and have a wonderful on plan day today.

December 15 Weighed 248.8 this morning. So happy. I'm worried though because I'm going to an out of town tournament with my daughter today. I wont get back until tomorrow. I need to be sure and eat right at the tournament. its so hard to make healthy choices away from home.

I thought that I would be writing this for at least a month before I made it public, but for some reason tonight I am feeling like publishing it. Maybe I will. It might help me keep on plan at the tournament.

11 comments:

  1. I've done all sorts of diets, followed different slimming clubs but the one that ALWAYS works best for me is Calorie counting. I personally, need to know what I am putting into my body by numbers to get it right and I've lost more weight this way than any other, I hope it works for you too. Good luck.

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  2. calorie counting drives me nuts but it seems to work for the majority of people. Its really finding what works best for you and also keeping whatever it is that causes the sabotage at bay. Losing weight seems like it SHOULD be easy enough. Eat less, and exercise. I'm pretty sure we all know that but who has the answer to remove all the self doubts and all the feelings of failure and sadness and the causes for emotional eating or the attachment we have towards food? On top of re-learning how to eat and getting up the motivation to workout, we still have the huge emotional baggage to sort. I've personally been there, one year i got down to 169 pounds and two years later back to 240, a few years even later I was at 253... its frustrating because one feels they have zero control and the urge to just give up wants to kick in. But you're holding on and you're not backing down and for that I commend you. Also for publishing all of this, I know our blogs are primarily for us so we don't have to share what we don't want to but in sharing these things we never know who we are helping and who is out there that can help us. Much luck to you and my apologies for leaving you an entire novel to read in ur comments lol ;)

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  4. About 3 years ago I was at 267, got down to 180's and scale wouldn't budge. Finally went drastic - no sugar, super lean protein & made it into the 170's. Could fit into some size 10's, no 8's, but 12 was a bit baggy. Goal is the 150's but would sell my soul to at least get into the 160's - have been trying for over a year now & on Father's Day this year made it to 170.2 - lowest ever!!! Went out to eat that night, haven't seen anything below 174 since!!! Not sure why we do it to ourselves - sheer craziness! Hang in there - you can do it, and who cares if you've done it before - don't let that discourage you, but instead let it be proof it can be done!!!

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  5. Do what works for you - and you've got supporters. Don't forget that! ((( hugs )))
    Dawn

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Thank you for taking the time to encourage me on my journey! Your comment is appreciated!